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Rotten Cabbage

AKA the mouthwatering treat: Kimchi mmMMMmm

AKA the mouthwatering treat: Kimchi mmMMMmm

I hope you all are starting to like my recent post titles’ shock factor!  I’m learning a few things from the local news, haha… and all news outlets, actually.  Anyways!  I wanted to show you my first attempt at making one of my favorite childhood treats: Rotten Cabbage Kimchi.

This is my first time making it, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t understand my mom when she was teaching me how to make it.  She knows how to make it (like a ninja) and can teach someone how to make it like a mathematics professor who teaches math and only cares about his research projects.  They teach you, but they’re not really understanding how to best teach you… even though they know how to do it like no one else’s business.  Such is life.

So, I looked it up online, because ILOVEONLINERESEARCH.  I came across this recipe (from… click here to see her genius explaining) and finally got the balls to try and mess it up in my own kitchen.

But this is the coolest part: A video of me squishing the fermented kimchi down and releasing the fermentation bubbles.  (!!!) suggested a lot more ingredients, but I just used the ones I remember my mom using:

After compiling those recipes, I just followed the instructions on… basically.  So, I also like to cut corners, and I didn’t wait the max time for the salt and cabbage to sit together.  BUT I did let it ferment for a longer amount of time before putting it in the fridge… not because I was lazy or anything… no nothing like that… and not because I didn’t forget about it… because who forgets about kimchi, amiright?!


  1. Clean cabbage.
  2. Cut and salt cabbage.
  3. Massage cabbage and think to self: I should have bought more!!!
  4. Cover cabbage with water and press down with canned chili.  Wait 1 hour… or 30 minutes, and rinse with cold water.
  5. Mix the korean chile pepper flakes and garlic.
  6. Massage that in with the cabbage and smoosh it down into a jar.
  7. I added some water to that to try and cover all the cabbage, but some of it was still sticking out of the water.
  8. FERMENT. for a few days… or 6 like me!
  9. Put in fridge and maybe even wait a little bit more for it to taste super kimchi-y

Good luck!  Mine turned out well, and I haven’t died from eating it, so, that’s also a good thing.

PS: You can start eating it right away… like fresh!  But if you want that really kimchi-like taste, then you should let it ferment.  It’s amazing, though, because (to me) it starts smelling like kimchi right after I massage the cabbage with salt.  Seriously.  I almost stopped there and accidentally made sauerkraut.

Also, I used some sanitary gloves that my mom gave me that were clearly purchased at the Korean store. I love how it says it can be used for science projects and toxic waste. If you plan on using it for that, just keep in mind that my fingers were stained orange after using these gloves to mix up the chile pepper and cabbage… they’re not exactly impermeable…

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What Did You Say?


So, I’m not super proud to say that I frequent a website called PopSugar.  It’s got everything from celebrity news (which is what brought me there in the first place IMUSTKNOWALLTHETHINGS), a “fitness” and “food” section, and now, I click on the “mom” section.  Which, I’m proud to say, that I have been frequenting the “mom” section the most, thankyouverymuch.

Most recently, they posted and article titled: 10 Things to Never Say to Pregnant Women by Rebecca Gruber .  Hey!  I’m pregnant!  So, I clicked and read the article.  Mostly, I felt horrified that people actually say some of these things to other people.  I feel super lucky that #1 my torso is very very long because… tall… #2 I don’t have friends or family that say this… maybe because I have a small family?… #3 My husband said he feels pregnant too, but that’s only because he’s eating more than me… which isn’t hard to do when nothing appears appetizing.  His cravings have been: ice cream, chocolate, starch and carbs.  I digress.

I thought that if this should ever happen to me, instead of being enraged and blogging about it or writing about it on a baby momma forum, I should probably try to say the most ridiculous thing possible back to the other person in hopes of maybe horrifying them, or making them laugh.  I guess it would just depend on the person’s sense of humor.  Also, I have to think of all this kind of stuff in advance because my wit is just not that fast.  I’m the person that has something mean said to them and then thinks of THE BEST COMEBACK EVAR about 24 hours later.  I’ll beat them to the punch this time!!!  That is, if I even run into anybody that says this too me… are my friends too sweet?  Awe, love you guys, xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo.

Here is a list of the “10 Things to Never Say to Pregnant Women“, with my KICKASS COMEBACKS indented underneath:

  1. “I feel pregnant, too!”
    • Sweet!  We’re going to have to share our birthing stories!
    • You look pregnant, too!  Just totally glowing.  What facial cleanser are you using?
  2. “You’re huge.”
    • It’s probably because I accidentally ate a watermelon seed this summer.  The urban myth is true!  AHHH!
    • Oh, this?!  It’s just a ballon.  Here!  Poke it with a needle.
    • I haven’t had a bowel movement in a few months… do you think I could be backed up?  Does it eventually start coming out your mouth?  Either way, I feel great!
  3. “You really shouldn’t…”
    • “…do things that aren’t peaceful.” – That’s great advice!  Hey, I have some extra crack/cocaine and I don’t know who to gift it to.  Would you be interested?
    • “…listen to rock/electronic/death metal music.” – But that’s the only music that keeps me awake during the day!  Pregnancy fatigue, blegh.  Also, I think baby likes it because baby just kicks and moves all day long when I’m listening to that music.  I think it’s having fun!
  4. “I don’t think you should…”
    • “…exercise hard.” –  You know the doctor says it’s actually okay to keep doing any exercises that I had been doing before hand.  Good thing, because I really didn’t want to give up my MMA classes.  I’ve really bonded with my classmates… *looks longingly in the distance*
  5. “Enjoy your last few months of freedom.”
    • Well, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to be in jail.  YOLO!  I’m gonna name my baby: Warden!
    • *sad face* What?  Do all the new moms get sent to mommy jail?  Will you visit me?
  6. “You probably shouldn’t eat that.”
    • *stops eating*  You’re right, I shouldn’t eat _____.  That was a close call!  Good thing I have some *special* brownies at home.  *wink wink* You know, with marijuana!  Totally organic.  Just made a new batch yesterday!  SO, GOOD.
    • You’re right.  That was a close call!  You know what I’ve been craving lately?  Sheetrock.  Yeah, wild, right?  I’ve eaten a WHOLE WALL in our living room.  It’s probably got a lot of calcium and other minerals.  It really opens the space in there.  I think baby will like that.
  7. “Your baby is going to be huge/tiny.”
    • “…huge.” – It’s going to be huge because I think it’s already a toddler.  I’ve been pregnant for 3 straight years.  Is that normal?
    • “…huge.” – Oh, this?!  This is not from being pregnant.  I’ve been constipated for 1 year.  This bowel movement is gonna be a b*tch!
    • “…tiny.” – Oh, I’m not pregnant.  No.  This?  This is bloat.  I have weak digestion. *shrug* *try and burp here*
    • “…tiny.” – That’s because the dad is a Smurf.  Don’t laugh.  #DiscriminationIsReal. *sniffles*
  8. “What if your baby…”
    • “…has a genetic defect?” – Have you ever watched the movie 300?  Yeah, I was just thinking of sacrificing the baby over a cliff.
    • “…is Hellspawn?” – I’ve already been in contact with a few exorcists who specialize in Hellspawn.  Checked that off the checklist!  I’m going to be the best mom ever.  Also, do you have anything that’s pure silver?  I want to be prepared if the baby ends up being a werewolf.  I’d be willing to purchase it off you at a fair price.
  9. “You look tired.”
    • Really?  Because I’m ready to go PARTAY.  Who’s with me?  *hums: mm-chh-mm-chh-mm-chh*
    • It’s probably because I’ve been trying this new thing.  It’s called: Life.  WORD!
    • I am!  That reminds me I need to take another dose of my crack/cocaine/amphetamine.  Thank you for reminding me.  Drugs, can’t live with them, can’t live without them… amiright?!
  10. “Anything yet?”
    • No, I haven’t had the heart to kick it out, yet… *rubs belly lovingly*
    • *confusion* What are you talking about?  *complete shock* Oh my GOD, this thing has to come out of me?!  No one told me!!!

Good luck out there, y’all!  Hopefully, no one says this to me or you – especially, if you’re not pregnant!

What? You have to ask? - September 11, 2015 - 8:06 am

Ooh! I’m going to have to visit this PopSugar website! It sounds super fun! E!online is starting to get *really* old.

HAHAHAHA! I heart the Warden one! OMG. That comment is The Worst! That or it’s cousin: Better sleep now while you’ve got the chance!! (Yeah?! Well F you… and your little dog, too!) Actually, I got tired of strangers asking me what I was having and what name I had chosen, so maybe you can get a shirt with your pre-planned comeback on it. One if every color! Or, don’t expose yourself to strangers. I was working as a Walgreen’s pharmacy tech when I was pregnant, so I was actually *forced* to be nice to these nosey people when all I wanted to say was: DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I’VE BEEN ASKED THAT VERY SAME QUESTION TODAY?! or: WHY DO YOU CARE?! or: I charge for personal questions. Gotta 20?

People used to ask me all the time if I was pregnant. (Bastards.) I blame my poor posture. I’ve since become more sympathetic to foot-in-mouth disease after I committed the worst pregnancy-related faux pas ever. Here’s what happened:

So this lady who took her kids to the same daycare as mine was super pregnant. Then, one day I see her dropping off Rx’s at my pharmacy. She was ginormous so of course I said the following: OH MY GOD, WOMAN! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE THAT BABY ALREADY?! She was dropping off post-partem prescriptions because of course she’d JUST HAD THE BABY. Where are those @#$% holes that open up from the floor when you need them?! Sink hole, anyone? Please? WHY CAN’T I JUST SAY CONGRATULATIONS AND STHU LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE?!

Congratulations, Laura! I can’t wait to meet your little human! xoxo

laur7179 - September 14, 2015 - 11:27 am

E!Online definitely sucks, lol.

I can’t even imagine working in a place totally exposed to the general public. I would probably have your response and then just want to quit every single day… wait, I already did that and I wasn’t even pregnant…. weird. But seriously! I’m super lucky that I don’t have to encounter the public’s opinions and questions about the little human. You’re a stronger person than me for having gone through all that!!!

I’ve had a foot-in-mouth moment and have mostly just reverted to being quiet now instead of saying anything because when I was around 12 years old I kept on seeing legitimately pregnant people and kept on thinking to myself that I should say congratulations to them! Finally, the opportunity came up when I was at Dillards with my mom and the cashier lady looked pregnant. I said congratulations to her. Guess what? No preggo. No baby in the belly. Just my foot in my mouth, red faced and cowering away… and now I don’t say anything EVAR. Don’t even say congratulations! I’ve learned my lesson lol.

I can’t wait to meet the little human too!!! We had an ultrasound on the 12th and we saw it yawn. yyyyyyaaaaawwwwwwwwwnnnnn. That was incredibly adorable. I almost exploded. (short video here:

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