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New Goals

My new self!  Much to love.

My new self! Much to love.

It’s almost 7 months post quitting my pharmacy job and I’ve gotten to a point where I do not have goals that my old self should think I should have.  My old self (Laura a few months ago) would be wanting to set these goals (no matter if I’m actually enjoying myself…):

– Continue growing photography business, so as to have successful photography business that others will be impressed by.

– Continue growing my blog, so that I have lots of readers and, therefore, would eventually lead to sponsored posts.

– Post all my yoga stuff on Instagram, so that I have tons of followers and, therefore, would lead to monetary success in some capacity.

Let me say that there is nothing wrong with these goals.  I just realized that they weren’t for me, right now… maybe one day?  (Anything is possible!)  I actually have the luxury of relaxing right now… to not pursue monetary success from fear of death by living in cardboard box.  I’m going to start owning that.  It feels weird.  It doesn’t feel bad.

I also realized that those goals were based on finding outward acceptance.  So, I’m having to step back and find inner acceptance.  Was I ever like that?  Yes.  I was.  There are moments I can look back to where I realize I was just comfortably being myself.  (Summer after middle school eating pasta salad and watching tv all day… really.)  Not thinking about what anyone else was thinking of me.  It’s pretty cool.  It means that my body knows what that feels like, that I can get back to that.

Maybe I’ll be so comfortable with myself one day that I can be around groups of people and not feel inferior in any way?  Not even feel superior.  Just comfortable with myself in any situation really.  I can just imagine the liberation that comes with that.

Cheers to being our unabashed selves!

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Childhood Memory

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A butterfly I saw recently while filling up my car.

I was around 10 or 11 years old when my parents made a massive bonfire in our backyard.  I think it had been raining a lot that year.  Dad had chopped off a lot of dead branches in the yard, and a bonfire was the best way to get rid of them.  I was standing next to the bonfire and noticed that there was a cocoon hanging off one of the branches.  I was worried that it would get burned alive if there was a butterfly in there, so, I took that branch out of the bonfire and noticed that the butterfly was starting to pop out!  Previous know-how reminded me that I use hot air to dry my hair after a shower, and I decided that I needed to sit close to the fire to give the butterfly some heat, so that it’s wings could dry out.  I sat just close enough to where the warmth helped the emerging butterfly, and not so close that I was making a roasted butterfly (not butterfly’s were hurt during the making of this memory).  After a while, the wings were all spread out and smooth.  It was just hanging onto the branch.  If memory serves me right it was a yellow and black patterned butterfly… one of those large ones.  This might explain why I really enjoyed that song: Black and Yellow by Whiz Khalifa…. for your enjoyment: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UePtoxDhJSw

It walked around on the branch, at first.  Then it moved from the branch onto my hand.  I imagined that it thought I was it’s mother.  I really cared for that little butterfly.  It’s a really good memory.  Then that butterfly felt it was the right time to explore our backyard with it’s enormous wings.  I ran around chasing it, smiling the whole time.  It would land on me or close to me every once in a while, until, it felt that it wanted to explore outside the bounds of our backyard.  I didn’t chase it past there.  I was pretty sure I saw the same butterfly at least the next day, if not for the next week.  I would look for the butterfly beyond the period of a butterfly’s lifespan… and imagine in the next few years that whenever I saw a black and yellow butterfly that I was seeing it’s daughters and sons.

Then I grew up and this memory became dormant.  I haven’t thought about this butterfly in a while.  I think another reason why it made me feel good is because I was able to literally HELP something.  I think that’s why I’ve always wanted to “help.”  That’s the reason I gave for wanting to become a pharmacist initially (even though it was really to make my parents happy).  Still, I knew I wanted to “help.”  Now, I’ve labeled it even more specifically: I want to empower myself and others.  I may not know the details of how to achieve this, still, it’s nice to have the general idea in place.

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